“It is easy to put off relating to your self, spouse, kids, friends and animals- Decide. Not. To. Decide to relate.” A lot has happened in the last year. Its been a year of loss, a year of grieving and coming to terms. There have been many happy moments, many changes- changes for good- changes for a stronger & more stable future. I am so blessed with wonderful family- a great husband and sweet daughters, wonderful parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, on and on it goes. The blessings have made the sadness bearable but loss is loss and while we can smile and put on a good face and tread water I am learning it is okay to admit some vulnerabilities. I told a friend today I didn’t really have a particular skill to share with our church’s Women’s Fellowship group.. A big fat lie straight from satan. A lie I believed. And then Jesus whispered something in my soul.. he reminded me of a passion I love. One I’ve been grieving deeply the loss of. One I put on hold, sat on a shelf, one I think of almost daily in memories of and in future planning. Oh, I’ve busied myself with hobbies and learning and keeping busy- all good things, but I forgot to enjoy the sweetness of what I love. I drifted back to visit my page here and decided its high time for a REAL status update. We lost the farm. We lost a baby. Really “just a miscarriage.” That just doesn’t seem to cover the truth of the sadness though. And this is shameful to admit but I miss my farm. I miss it so much I can hardly think of anything else some days. My husband is a gift from God. He hurries and scurries and wants to provide- he calculates and plans and promises and its not fair. Its unfair to expect him to give what God took away. Looking at this page. My two beloved Angora boy goats died. They were well cared for. They were given to a farm where I know they got what they needed. Animals die sometimes. Its life. My girl goats are doing well. They all three made it back to breeding farms- the dairy girls to the very farm they came from. I will someday have their babies- this is the promise I cling to. We’re going to rebuild. We’re going to save like mad and sacrifice and start over. But trying not to live for tomorrow or hang on to yesterday… trying to appreciate today. It’s hard work sometimes. Read yesterday that Real dishes break; That’s how you know they are real. I posted this inside my kitchen cupboard. We use real dishes most days. Its a strange thing. We use my grandmas real china. With chipped edges. I think maybe I shouldn’t do this. But the quote resonated for me. These are the things I want my girls to appreciate. Real dishes break. We should use them and enjoy them. Beautiful dishes in a box bring no daily joy. So even if we break them- its okay. Our Women’s Fellowship decided on a theme of Back to Basics for this year. We’re going to teach each other something new each month. Canning, Making pies, Sewing- that sort of stuff. I’m hoping my sister in law will teach quilting. I love to hand stich and its something I desperately want to learn- all the tricks of piecing together a beautiful work of art. I thought I had nothing to teach. Even said it. I am still learning. I don’t know how to spin yarn yet. I am going to learn. In this year of fasting though I have learned two more crotchet stiches though. I can whip out scarves and purses and bags like nobody’s business. I have stacks of blankets. Made from my own goats wool. Cashmere blankets meant to keep my precious baby warm. They will be used someday. Maybe another baby. Maybe a grandbaby. I don’t know what the future holds and I’ve been saying it all along: I trust our future to God. I’ve been saying it even when I didn’t believe it. Real dishes break and we’ve been a little broken this year. I don’t know when we’ll have a new farm or if we’ll have a baby or when I’ll have my fuzzy goats, a yarn business and a farm store back. But I do trust God. I really do. So thank you to the friends who have bared with us this last year even when I’ve been out of sorts and I’m sorry for dropping off the face of the earth in certain circles like this one- one that ended before it was hardly started. I’ve avoided a lot of things fiber related but man oh man- I am really looking forward to sharing a demo at Women’s Fellowship. It’s silly but these women have given so much to me all through my life. Getting to do this- when I almost missed it is a gift in itself. It will be silly to some of the ladies, but that’s okay. That’s the fun of learning new things. Hearing a guy talk about making a scarf from his goat was what started this whole journey for me! Just sounded crazy enough that I though, “hmmm. that would be fun. ” I never imagined what joy it would bring me. My girl asked me last night if I’d started taking antidepressants or something…. said it on the heels of a big long, trying not to pee yourself belly laugh. Nope . Just starting to really heal though. I realized its okay to admit we’re broken. Its okay to show the world our chipped up edges.
I’m going to head over to Pears Avenue this week and scoop up anything there made with my cashmere. I’ll restock some newer cuter, cheaper stuff that’s made with better craftsmanship and not so sentimental- if they want it. My purses have gotten cuter and I can make cheaper blankets with store bought yarn. I miss my goats and home-grown yarn but we’re adjusting and life goes on. I still have 40 pounds of wool tucked back and this winter I will be carding and spinning it. “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” While I don’t know our future at Keener Yarn, I know the Shepard and I am happy to share that I trust Him. With everything. Babies and Farms included.